How Much Should You Push Your Dyslexic Kid?

We want our dyslexic kids to have the same opportunities as everyone else, and they can often do a lot more than they're given credit for. But how much should you push your dyslexic kid?

Okay. Hey everyone, we're Nick and Sonja, and this is Dyslexia Journey, where we help you support the dyslexic kid in your life. And today we want to have a conversation and give you some tips around this topic of how much you should push or encourage, might be a nicer word, your dyslexic kid with regard to a lot of different areas of life, particularly academics and extracurriculars. And we did want to say up front, though, that we're going to cover in a different video when the case is where they're doing reading remediation specifically, because we want to talk about more how you can approach that.

And it's often something that certain times is very important to do, and they may not want to do. So we're going to take that as its own case for the next video. Jumping in here, we're talking about kind of kids of all ages, elementary school, middle school, high school. It's this question of, you know, we know that dyslexic kids, often their work, their schoolwork takes them longer, particularly the reading and writing.

But really all aspects of the schoolwork, math, science, as well, as we've discussed in previous videos, it takes them longer, leading to often less free time. Also, as we've discussed in other videos, someone with dyslexia, there are other issues that they're dealing with, like perhaps self-esteem issues, perhaps issues socially, and so on. And so it may be that they're not willing to try new things. They might decide sometimes to take easier classes, to not do optional academic stuff, because it feels like overwhelming, it feels like too much.

Now, we're not saying that all dyslexic kids are like this. You know, there are definitely, just like there's a variety of non-dyslexic kids, there's varieties of dyslexic kids. And some dyslexic kids are going to be out there wanting to do everything, for sure. But sort of in our experience and with, you know, what we've observed and read about and talked to other parents, definitely there's a tendency among dyslexic kids to kind of sometimes choose the easier route or choose the not doing the activity.

And so the question here is, like, as parents, how much should we be, you know, respecting that desire of the kids? And how much should we be kind of encouraging them, pushing them to do a little more, to take on a little more? Especially because, like Sonja said in the intro, like, we know, we know that these kids are very capable and can do things. And so, you know, it sometimes feels like as parents that we're not, you know, if we're not pushing them, we're sort of denying them the opportunity.

And so how much really, like, should we be kind of pushing them? Well, and it's sometimes I think the case that we're not sure how much of it is that they don't want to do it versus that they're concerned they can't do it. Or that they need extra support around it, whether that's freeing up the schedule in some other way or whether that's some sort of accommodation. So I think that sometimes plays into our decision making around this, too, is trying to sort of assess what's going on there.

And it's not always possible to assess that fully. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, it's like if it's fine to make the decision not to do something, but it's kind of a shame if your child is making a decision not to do something because they're worried that because of their dyslexia, they're not going to succeed in it. Right. Like, that's a really key point there, I think. And so how do you assess that out?

Right. And so later in this video, after we sort of discuss this overall, the overall sort of nuances of it here, we'll give you some tips for taking into consideration that hopefully will help you to some extent in trying to weigh your options and figure all this out. Yeah. So maybe we should, let's jump into some specific examples, somewhat hypothetical examples, but like some specifics just to give you an idea of what we're talking about here.

So let's say that you're the parent of an elementary school child. So let's, in the U.S., that's ages like 6 to 12 or so. And normally in the U.S., in elementary school, there's maybe a science fair around 4th or 5th or 6th grade that is often optional, especially, you know, maybe optional in 4th grade, required in 5th grade, something like that. So let's say your child is interested in science, but the idea of, like, taking on a science fair project seems a little overwhelming.

Because, you know, even if they're really passionate about a particular area of science, the work involved in a science fair project, it does involve a lot of writing, potentially some research, things like some, I mean, some reading research, in addition to the, like, actual study that they would have to do. So, like, how do you, as a parent, how do you decide sort of how much to encourage them to do that?

Right. And so we're going to give you a couple more examples, and then we'll dive into some of the tips about how it could look using those examples. So let's say it's for, again, it could be an elementary school kid, it could be an older kid too, but let's say it's something more around an extracurricular activity. So maybe you're wondering if there's something about the extracurricular activity, you know, that does involve reading or writing, which is possible for certain ones.

Let's say it's one that even isn't, though, like, let's say it's a sport, but they spend so much time already on homework, or they're just so tired from the day at school, which often happens for dyslexic kids, that they just don't have that energy for it. Even though maybe they've mentioned, you know, off and on, like, oh, it'd be cool to try that sport. And so then you're a little confused, like, well, is it important to let them try that sport, or is it more important to, you know, balance out their time and their energy?

So that's example number two. And another, I think, kind of similar example to that with extracurriculars, like maybe in case your kid's not interested in sports, maybe it's music, right? So that's kind of a similar thing. Maybe they want to do an after-school band class or take private lessons. Right. Yeah, I think it'd be kind of a similar consideration there. Right. And then often in high school, maybe in middle school as well, but especially in high school, it could look like the choice of whether to take a harder class, like an AP class, or, you know, or potentially drop it.

After starting the semester, if they see, you know, the pace is kind of overwhelming for them, for example. And so how does that decision sort of go to, like, you're trying to weigh their time and their energy and how difficult it is with other factors? Like, is it somehow part of, like, something that would be important for them to get credit for? Or do you think it'd be, you know, maybe you think it would be a really good experience if it's particularly a topic that they're very interested in?

Yeah, or maybe they just happen to be good at math or, and really sort of, if you look at their sort of capabilities, they really should be in the advanced math track. But, you know, it's going to be more work and more stress. Right. And so that can, so again, bringing it back to dyslexia specifically, I think that can be extra hard as a parent to feel like, is it, does it feel like it's the dyslexia holding them back?

Because then you feel like, well, I mean, is it just more support they need, right? Is it just more encouragement they need? Is it just more support they need? Like, is there something that could be done? You start to think more along those lines, I think, than usually. And then, of course, because there's all these nuances with different personalities of dyslexic kids, add on a layer of, you know, maybe your kid tends to overschedule themselves because they're very active.

Or, on the other hand, maybe you have a kid who's always been hesitant to try new things and has always needed that extra nudge. So then you're in that position of thinking, well, is this just one of those times where they need that extra nudge or not? So next, we just wanted to give you some thoughts and tips on considerations to take into account with this particular topic of whether or not to push or encourage your dyslexic kid in a particular area, whether it's starting something new or taking a particular class or whatever it is.

So I think kind of the first topic for this, so maybe it's more of the thought in this case, is, I mean, I think we're talking about this in the first place because as parents, we do have the role. Like, why not just let them make their own decision, right? I mean, I think that's important to consider. So that, like, huge piece of this is their own autonomy, right? On the other hand, we have a place as parents to guide them, and sometimes we see the bigger picture, or we are the encourager, and so that needs to be considered as well.

Right. A child at a certain age, especially in, you know, the younger ages, might kind of resist anything extra that feels at all like work. I mean, especially as a dyslexic kid who might be struggling in school. And so the idea of taking on extra work, in the case of our science fair example, might really just seem anathema to them. But as parents, like, if you've observed that your child is, like, really passionate about some aspect of science, maybe electricity or something like that, and you know that this would be a great kind of, like, structured way for them to explore, you know, what doing science is actually like, then you might be more sort of encouraging of them than, you know, rather than just letting them kind of make their default decision not to do it.

Right. And, like, in the case, for example, of, say, taking a harder, an AP class, you know, version of a particular class in high school, I think sometimes maybe we feel like the student might not have all the information. So, like, maybe we have a sense of, like, well, maybe it's better. Like, what if you have a sense that maybe it'd be better to drop a different class because this one would actually benefit them more?

Again, I think it's not, I think the point is to remember it's not about taking away their autonomy. It's maybe about that more. It's like you're trying to, whether it's giving encouragement or whether it's giving information in this case, like, the reason you're stepping in on it at all is because maybe you're not sure they know that yet, right? It takes us a while to understand stuff like that as we're growing up.

Right. And we also are able to, we might know things that your children might not realize. Like, for example, an advanced, a quote, advanced class might not actually require more, like, time from that kid than the non-advanced version. Right. That varies. Like, often it does, but there's so much individualization among teachers as well and how they teach particular courses. Right. And also some of the stuff that dyslexic kids struggle with is some of the, some of the more remedial stuff.

And so, like, if they can grasp the higher concepts just as quickly as the other concepts, but then, you know, have to spend sort of equal time on the busy work part of it, then it's not really any different. Yeah. So, I guess I would sum up this, this tip or thought as taking into consideration what your role is and trying to think of it as, you know, keeping their autonomy important as the ultimate say, but that your role is the support, the encouragement, and giving them information that they may not have just because, you know, they haven't lived as long or just haven't had the opportunity yet to understand those things.

Yeah. Okay. I want to, for our second tip here on how much to push your kid, I want to emphasize a phrase that I think is super important, which is to remember that just because your child can do something or is capable of doing something, it doesn't mean that they should do that or that it's the right thing to do. Which I think can be hard as parents because it's like we almost have this FOMO, like, extra, when it's about our kids.

Yeah. Like, well, I don't want to, like, have somehow contributed to their missing out on something that was really important. Which, of course, if you think about it, you're never going to really know anyway. Right. What would have happened. Yeah, of course. But, I mean, it's sort of extra for dyslexic kids because, like we were saying earlier, we don't want to feel like it was their dyslexia that led them to miss out, especially, right?

And so as parents of dyslexic kids, we, you know, we want our kids to be happy and to have all the opportunities and to succeed. And so when we look at our kids and say, well, yeah, I mean, you're capable of taking the advanced class. But, you know, we really have to consider, like, is that the right thing for them to do right now? Right. Well, and just to play the devil's advocate here, a caveat would be, you know, if you yourself have been feeling like they maybe, maybe they had a period that was extra stressful and they haven't taken anything harder for a while and you've sort of gotten used to that, to maybe realize, oh, OK, am I realizing what they're capable of, but especially are other people somehow around them or in the school telling them they can't, right?

Or saying, oh, just take the easier classes, you know, so being mindful of that also. Yeah, yeah. And that's kind of going back to the first point of taking the broader view of, yeah, if someone's always choosing the easier route, then is that going to make them feel like they're not capable? And is that coming from outside of them, actually, in some way? Right. Our third tip for kind of deciding how much to push you dyslexic kid.

Sonja mentioned, kind of teased this a little bit earlier, which is you really have to know your child and their specific personality. And for the sake of this discussion, let's divide children into two types. There's the type of child who is kind of going to kind of say yes to everything and want to do everything and the kind of child who's going to sort of default saying no to everything and really try to do less.

And so, yeah, and obviously it's more complicated than that. But for the sake of this discussion, think of your child, you know, just for parents who are listening to this right now, like, like, think of your child and think like, are they the type of one child who tries to do everything or are they the type who kind of their default response is no? And so then you have to work with that.

Like, if your child is the gung-ho, like, let's do everything, like, they're probably not going to need much encouragement. And if they're saying no, they don't want to do something, then like, you probably don't need to dig into it too much with some caveats, of course. With the child who kind of default says no to everything, you don't want to push them too much because maybe that child just needs more downtime.

But you do want to, I guess, selectively, I would argue, you want to selectively push them because you don't want them, and again, it's like, it's not that they have to do everything. It's not that they have to experience everything, but we, for someone who says no to everything by default, they're going to miss out on some stuff. And so as parents, we want to make sure that they're at least sort of giving it a real fair chance to really think about it.

And I am going to bring in a third type, just for the sake of the argument, only because I think I see this a lot with dyslexic kids, which is, I guess it's kind of a combination. It's someone who's really passionate about a particular thing, and so then they maybe only want to do that. Like, maybe they've done it partly because that's where they, you know, get their esteem from because they're good at, you know, a particular sport or art or something, and they kind of, you know, shunt the academics because of it.

Or, you know, just because they're passionate about it. So it's kind of an interesting example because it's kind of both there. Like, they might be the type of personality who actually is willing to try things in a general way, but maybe they've let some of those other things go because they can go forward with this particular passion. And so, and again, like, there's a lot of kids who have that, you know, just in general, but I think sometimes with a dyslexic kid, it may be that they extra exclude the other things.

Like, particularly academics. So it's just worth, like, sort of knowing that because that would, those would be the areas where they would need more nudges. Yeah, and you definitely want to support their passion, but perhaps they're going to need, yeah, extra encouragement in other areas. Yeah, I see what you're saying there. Yeah, and one thing to keep in mind, I think, also then, so besides their personality, besides seeing your role, because I guess the tip so far is seeing your own role as a parent while keeping your kid's autonomy intact, and also understanding their personality to help you know what's best to do in terms of pushing them or not, is also to, you know, think of it as a process.

So it's not that one decision, that one decision, like, right up front necessarily. They might have to try it to know if it's going to work out or not. And so a couple different things flow out from that, but one thing as a tip would be to really then keep an eye on how it's going. Like, are they completely stressed out now? Like, what's their mood like? So it could look very related.

Like, maybe your elementary school kid, you know, whines and cries and doesn't want to go to the activity. But maybe it's just that your kid is just in a bad mood more often. So trying to keep an eye on that can be important. Yeah, they're kind of their global, their global mood, that it might not be immediately, obviously tied to the exact decision. Yeah, that's a really good point, too. And I think that leads into another, a distinct point, but related, which is that it's okay to quit.

In fact, it's more than okay. If you or your child is doing something that they're not enjoying, like, you shouldn't continue doing it. I mean, you know, obviously there's caveats to that, you know, some form of school being one of them. But, like, within the school system, if they are taking a class that is making them miserable, it's really worth looking for ways to get out of it. I mean, maybe that means switching to an easier class.

Maybe that means, you know, at the high school level, there's a little bit more flexibility about graduation requirements and things like that. And for younger kids, or for kids of any age, if they start an activity, even if they were super excited about it, and they're not enjoying it, like, you don't need to stick with it. Yeah, and I think there's a lot of, there's a lot of maybe cultural assumptions about, like, don't be a quitter, you know, that kind of thing.

But I think there can be a way where that can be nuanced instead to, like, how you quit, right? Like, it's important to be able to quit things also in a, you know, good way. So, you know, maybe if you try to encourage them to do the one more game where they're really needed, you know, or something, because no one can fill their position in time or something, but then they're going to quit, for example, right?

So there's ways to do it. I think it doesn't have to be so black and white. Like, you don't quit, or you do. Yeah. And there's also ways to, which I think is a great learning experience, because, you know, there's going to be always times in our lives when we make changes. Right. And within reason. I mean, if they're, you know, if they're cast in a major part in a play, and it's, the play is coming on in a month, then, then that would be something that would be harder to quit than, than an activity that is just kind of, where they're not like a key role.

Which brings back into the other kinds of support, which is key, which is, I was about to caveat for every, all of this, because, I mean, first of all, even if they really refuse to do the play, right, they, they ultimately do have the autonomy. But if you're trying to help them not, well, what can you do? So how can you help them try to, you know, go forward with that? And that, but what I was thinking about the caveat was, especially with academic classes, is always important to double check.

Are the accommodations being followed? Is there anything that needs to be tweaked there first? So that's always important to check on. Yeah. And, I mean, sometimes you want to, like, I'm thinking of a sports example, like, you want to get them through the season, maybe. But, but, you know, like, like, maybe they can skip a game, or maybe they can, you know, if they don't, they can just not play in a particular game, or whatever, right?

You know, you can talk to the, talk to the coach about it, you know, communicate. Yeah, communicating with other people involved is very important. So our third idea for what to think about when you're trying to decide how much to nudge or encourage or push your dyslexic kid in a particular activity or academic pursuit is to really think about the cultural context and try not to let it influence you too much or see how it is influencing you.

And I think, you know, with, with activities, active, academic and other activities, I would say both, actually, I think I kind of mentioned the FOMO thing before that we can get that as parents. So I think, I think that comes out in kind of two ways, though. So I think one cultural message we get, and that we do a lot with kids right now is to have them try everything. And it's kind of like this idea of, well, what if you didn't try the one thing that was going to be their passion?

I feel like that's sort of like the way it's, and so there's a lot of trying everything, which is, you know, good in a lot of ways. But it's important to realize that that seems to be a cultural value that we're taking in as parents. And then the other flip side of it is to really, really like pushing a kid in a particular, let's say, sport or something that they, they are good at, you know, let's say they start them with something really young gymnastics or something.

And they say, oh, I can sort of see a talent there or something, you know, then it can be this idea that like, well, what if they could have been in the Olympics? You know, I think that really happens with parents, too, and the way, the way it's sort of made to be like, oh, it's your responsibility to make sure they've tried everything. And then if they're good at something that they really, really try to see if they can, are going to be the best at it, kind of thing.

Yeah. And like, for those of you listening to this, like, your kid is probably not going to be in the Olympics. Like, I apologize if we have some parents of some Olympians listening. Like, it's okay to do gymnastics just for fun and to not do the extra, you know, two hours per day that, that would be required to, to be like really competitive. Right. And this gets trickier as, from what I've seen, at least in the United States, this is more a U.S. thing, I think, but maybe some other countries, too.

It's gotten harder as the kids get older to do, to do sort of an amateur level almost, you know, or like to do a sport, let's say, once a week. Like, it's usually like several times a week plus a game. So that's important to keep in mind, right? But I think, I guess that's the way along with time. Like, do they want to quit because now it's too much time? That could happen.

Right. So. Right. And, but I mean, think about the long-term goal for your kid. And I've, I've thought about this a lot as an, as an adult now, because, you know, obviously I'm not a professional athlete or professional musician, but like I enjoyed doing sports and music as a kid. And I kind of gained a love of doing that, that I've carried into my adult life, which I think as parents, I really think that should be our goal.

Like, like we just want to give our children the opportunity to experience things that they might enjoy and that they might want to continue doing throughout their whole life. And then remembering that it's okay if they didn't try every single thing. So, I mean, hopefully that helps take some pressure off too, because I feel like those cultural expectations and ideas like create a lot of pressure for parents as well. So, so hopefully it can be good all around to sort of see where that's at play and try to loosen that up a bit and get a even bigger understanding of what's going on there.

Yep. So, okay, so our final tip for, for trying to figure out how much you should push your dyslexic kid, is to really think about and be honest with yourself about how much, you are perhaps living vicariously through your child. How much of what, what you're pushing them to do is what your child wants to do or what you, kind of either want, want them to do because perhaps because you, it's something that you enjoyed as a child, something that you were good at as a child, something that you missed out on as a child.

Right. There's like a number of ways that this can manifest and, and this can be everything from, from academics. I mean, you know, if you were someone who, took all honors classes in school and, and value academics, you're going to be more likely to push your dyslexic kid to, to take honors classes and to, really prioritize academics. If you are someone who, really enjoyed, a particular sport as a kid, you might, you know, without, without even really have consciously thought about it, have all the sort of imagined your child playing that same sport and you coaching them and so on.

Right. So, so like, it's really, it's really worth, really stopping and thinking about why do you feel like this particular thing that you're pushing them to do is so important. Right. And if it, you know, there's nothing wrong with necessarily with it, right? Like introducing them to the sport you loved, for example, it's just worth knowing that and understanding it. So you can see how that would play in potentially with the pushing, with the potentially pushing versus encouraging or nudging.

And I think for a dyslexic kid is going to be more likely potentially, if you're not dyslexic yourself to have some different interests, it's not going to always look that way. And of course, you know, family culture can sometimes mean there's some shared interests, but for example, dyslexic kids are more likely, as we've talked about in other episodes to maybe gravitate more towards the arts or theater or, you know, hands-on things or all that.

And maybe if you're not that kind of person, that's where this also could play in because you may actually be very different in those ways. Yeah. So I guess kind of almost a sub tip here actually is like be open to, maybe new, new activities, new, ways that, that your kid might want to, occupy their time. Right. And they also can be tend to be more, more often the outside the box thinkers. And so that is important because, you know, sometimes like what they're doing, you might not think of even as an activity.

Maybe it's a certain kind of like they take found objects and make them into art and you're not even thinking of it as art, but they're doing art, you know? So sometimes, yeah, it might look completely different than what you're expecting and sort of counting that as, as valid activities can be important. Yeah. And I guess to really double down on that, it might be more independent, like, like your dyslexic kid might, might avoid structured activities altogether and really just want to occupy their time, with their own, kind of independent, innovative, projects.

Right. And so just bringing it back full circle, it's all going to depend on the kid too, interacting with all these other things, personality and, other factors as well. So, but hopefully that gives you just some things to think about, to consider, altogether as you're doing, your decision-making about, you know, is it time to stop pushing on a particular thing? Is it time to actually nudge your kid on your dyslexic kid about a particular activity or academic pursuit?

and just remembering though, to, you know, give yourself grace and that there's not a perfect answer. So that's, I think important, just like as an overall tip, there's not a perfect answer and it's a process kind of like I mentioned in a previous tip. It'd like to be done over time that you can still make different decisions as you go to. Oh, and also, don't second guess your decisions. Like, like you make the right decision in the moment and you can't, you can't go back and, and regret that decision in, in hindsight.

Right. Cause you don't actually know how it would have gone. So yeah. All right. Well, hopefully that was helpful. We'd love to hear comments on how this has played out for you in the thread down below. And we'll see you next time.