Radical Acceptance and Your Dyslexic Kid ft. therapist Donna McCutchen

When we lean into radical acceptance, we're reframing dyslexia as a learning difference, not as a disability or limitation.

Hello, we are Nick and Sonja, and this is Dyslexia Journey, where we cover topics related to supporting the dyslexic kid in your life. And today, we are very excited to have a special guest, Donna McCutcheon. Donna is a licensed clinical social worker and experienced psychotherapist and pediatric mental health specialist with numerous clinical specialties in areas of expertise, including dual diagnosis and psychological assessment, among many others. Donna is currently the vice president of program development at Bend Health, where she creates and writes the evidence-based content and programs.

Donna, welcome to Dyslexia Journey. Hi, welcome. All right, let's jump in. So, Donna, our first question. I actually attended a webinar recently that you put on as part of Bend Health, where you discuss the concept of radical acceptance. Can you first maybe give us an overview of the concept of radical acceptance? Sure, that's a great concept that I am very passionate about. So, radical acceptance is a concept that is often used in the field of mindfulness and something called DBT, which is dialectical behavior therapy.

And it involves fully accepting the reality of a situation. This is without judging or being resistant to that situation, even if it's painful, difficult, or unexpected. Radical acceptance really means acknowledging and coming to terms with reality, rather than trying to deny it or avoid it. It involves recognizing that some things really are beyond our control and that we can choose to accept them rather than fight against them. It does not mean giving up or resigning oneself to a situation, but rather approaching it with a clear and open mind so you can respond in a more effective and positive way.

It can be really powerful for managing difficult emotions and situations. It allows an individual to really let go of that resistance, find a sense of peace and inner strength. And sometimes you'll see this used in therapy for someone who's overcoming, like, some really significant challenges, such as trauma, addiction, relationship difficulties. And it is practiced through mindfulness exercises, meditation, and cognitive behavioral techniques. Wow, that sounds so powerful in so many ways and for so many things.

I'm wondering if you could talk a little more about how you might see it as applied to dyslexia or other learning differences specifically. Absolutely. So if you're a parent of a child with dyslexia, you've probably already realized that your child's brain works a little differently when it comes to, like, reading, writing, and learning. But what you probably didn't know is that if you really embrace this concept of radical acceptance, you and your child really can find new ways to approach those differences.

You can work on their competencies, you can work on their competencies, and ultimately, you can really achieve those goals of making your child be successful at home, school, and in relationships. So, again, radical acceptance means embracing the dyslexia as part of who your child is without feeling ashamed or defended by it. It really means acknowledging that your child may need to approach learning very differently than others, and that's totally okay. We're all unique and have our own strengths and weaknesses.

All of our brains really work differently. So if you lean in and accept that your child's brain works differently, you and your child can focus on finding strategies, tools that really work for them, not those tools that are created for everyone else, if you will. So this includes, you know, maybe some of those well-known accommodations, like working with tutors, having specialized technology, assistive technology in the classroom, like text-to-speech, etc. But the main thing is you want to help your child understand there's nothing wrong with them.

Accommodations can be great, nor do they have something that needs to be fixed, but instead focusing on that fact that they're capable of really achieving their goals with the right supports and resources that work for them and with their brain and not against it. So I always encourage parents and their kids to try to embrace this idea of accepting what's happening, accepting that your child's brain just works differently. It will really help them learn to appreciate that it's not broken.

It will also foster a lot more confidence for them, help them be more successful in academic and social life. And then as a parent, it can really help you to approach this in a really positive and accepting way, as opposed to trying to fight with something that they're just not going to be and the way they're not going to learn. They're not going to learn something perhaps the same way that another child may learn.

All of our brains are wired differently, so they're going to respond differently to different types of interventions, etc. Yeah, I really like what you said about not thinking of the dyslexia and the child as something to be fixed, specifically. And in fact, we did a segment recently about, I think we titled it something like, Dyslexia is not something to be cured, right? Right. Yeah, so I really like, in radical acceptance, this emphasis on not fixing the child and really accepting them as they are.

do you, do you want to add anything about a little more about why that's particularly important? sort of for the, yeah, I would love to, because really that's where the magic can happen. So when you start shifting your focus from trying to fix your child with dyslexia to accepting and embracing their unique way of learning, you really do unlock a world of possibilities for them. First, your child will feel, feel seen, heard, they'll really feel valued.

They will no longer feel like they're broken or deficient, but rather that they have unique sets of strengths and challenges that make them who they are. This really boosts self-esteem, their confidence, helps them develop a positive self-image. Just by embracing that uniqueness and the way they learn, you also help them to develop a growth mindset, which is super important. So instead of feeling defeated by their struggles, they really start to see those challenges as opportunities for growth and improvement.

It also helps them with, with developing resilience and perseverance and really helping to learn to work through obstacles instead of giving up. So not trying to spend an exhausting amount of time trying to fix something that's not broken, but really leveraging your child's strengths and finding a way to accommodate their learning styles is going to make all the difference. So focusing on these strengths, finding ways to incorporate them into their learning and help them develop a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

And you're building a stronger and more positive relationship between your child as well, which is super important when you're looking at behavioral challenges and the other obstacles that just happen in general through child development. Yeah, I think that's really, key in that it really, I think helps, it sounds like it really helps both the parents and the children to sort of switch this mindset, from a, you know, something, something to be fixed to, like you said, more of a acceptance of the situation as it is.

But then, then that actually doesn't mean you're not trying to improve things. Like you said, it actually encourages a growth mindset by doing this, right? Right. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess sort of a follow on on this, because this is so important, you know, this acceptance and, embracing the child for who they are, their brain for who they are. Do you see any distinction between sort of the actual label itself? I'm wondering, like, are there, do you find that sometimes there are pros and cons to that, to the, to actually the experience of having a label?

Right. So, Sonja, let me say this. So embracing the label of dyslexia or any other learning difference or even a behavioral health diagnosis is really a personal choice. And there are both pros and cons in doing so. So on the one hand, you have this label that can be super empowering. It can help your child understand their learning differences, help them to feel less alone in their struggles. It also can help them get access to resources and accommodations in the classroom.

Right. Which is super important as well. So that extra time on test, assistive technology, having that IEP oftentimes requires that label in order to get them the help that they need. Also, by embracing that label, you can really reduce the stigma, right? It's okay to have a diagnosis of dyslexia, right? Or to learn differently or to just have something else that's a little different because that really helps increase awareness, especially of dyslexia.

It can help reduce misconceptions of what's going on and promote a more inclusive and understanding society in general. So there are some pros to that, but there's also that potential downside, which is to embrace that label of dyslexia. For some individuals, the label can be really limiting and lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? So they may feel very defined by their dyslexia and start to limit themselves in what they believe they can achieve, right?

So it can kind of hold them back. So you don't want to risk over-identifying with a label and using it as an excuse for underachievement or even poor behavior. Because remember, when we lean into radical acceptance, we're reframing dyslexia as a learning difference, not as a disability or limitation. Remember, not something to fix. So that being said, with appropriate support and accommodations, all individuals with dyslexia can achieve great things. So, again, the decision to embrace or reject the label is really personal.

But the most important thing is to accept how a child ticks, how their brain works, and support their learning in a way that works for them. It may work for them to have a label. It may be important to have that, right? But the main thing is setting up that environment that will help them achieve their full potential, whatever that might be. Right. So it sounds like it's a lot on almost where the emphasis is placed and kind of following the child and where they're at.

Kind of a combination between sort of seeing maybe how they're reacting to that and then making sure the emphasis is on all these other things that you've been talking about. Absolutely. Yeah, and I think it reminds me that one or the way that we kind of handled this with our daughter is she got a diagnosis of dyslexia, which allowed her to have, you know, the sort of accommodations and stuff. But we really emphasized with her that she was a visual-spatial learner and that she had visual-spatial strengths.

And I think when she was younger, that really helped her to embrace her learning differences in a way that didn't feel sort of stigmatizing. And then as she's gotten older, now she's in high school, she has, I think, more embraced the actual dyslexia label. But I think it was really important to emphasize, or at least in our case, it was really important to emphasize those strengths that are part of the differences.

Absolutely. Such an important reframe, right? Yeah.

Another aspect of radical acceptance that I find really important is the emphasis on nurturing your child, yourself, and others. I think you sort of say all those three areas. So maybe let's take the child first and talk a little bit more about how do you best nurture your dyslexic child? Oh, great question, right? So first thing you want to do, there's really three things. So the first thing you really want to do is embrace your child's strengths and differences, like we've been talking about, by focusing on what they can do rather than what they struggle with, right?

You're continually building their confidence. You're helping them feel valued and appreciated. But also you want to do those supports and accommodations. You already know dyslexia can make certain things more challenging for your child, right? But with the right support and accommodation, remember, they can succeed academically and socially. But that may look a little different, right? It may involve special accommodation and also trying to seek out educational opportunities that help them enhance their experience, right?

So that's super important. And then also looking for specific educational therapy or tutoring that can help your child develop those skills and strategies they need to thrive. And then, like I mentioned before, that growth mindset. I can't say that enough. A growth mindset really means viewing every challenge and setback as opportunities for growth and learning rather than indicators of failure, right? So when you get that kiddo that gets their report card and maybe they did not make the grade that they really wanted, but instead of looking at that as an opportunity to say, hey, you're being measured on this and you did not do that great, you really want to go in and say, well, what did you do really well?

And how do we work with those challenges and struggles, constantly looking at everything as a growth mindset when they have interactions with friends or if they, you know, that happens in childhood in general, you want to make sure you take opportunities to use those to grow and to make changes that are positive and work with them. Yeah. And I think that's something that people might think, oh, yeah, that's what I would do.

But it's like you really have to be proactive about that because, I mean, I know my experience as a parent is like unless you're being proactive about it, you don't necessarily know what's going to come out of your mouth in a given moment. Sometimes we're even surprised by like later we'd be surprised that we said something or, you know, so I think it's really important to think about this and to try to be proactive about it.

And maybe, especially if you know something like that's coming up, like looking at a report card, that would be a very important time to think about that ahead and really think about one's choice of words. Yeah. And maybe even a time to sort of practice some mindfulness for yourself, right? Right. Ahead of time. Absolutely. Super important, right? Just, and we do, we say things as parents all the time that we think we have it right.

We think, okay, I'm definitely being positive and proactive and I'm fostering this growth mindset. But sometimes, you know, our own life story starts to come out, right? Our own challenges and our own, you know, sometimes with our kids, we look at that if they're not doing well in school, that that's an indication that we're doing something wrong. But to really look at that as a parent as well, that every, it's still an opportunity for us to grow and learn too.

We're going to make mistakes. We're parents, right? We're human. That's the perfect transition, I think, into how to nurture it for the parents, how to nurture themselves. So what are your insights there for us? Okay. Super, super important and way too often overlooked, right? So nurturing yourself. We hear it all the time. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. As I'm a parent, you're a parent. We know that that usually gets put last on the list, right?

It does. It's not always a priority, but it really should, right? So some easy ways you could do this, like we talked about, really that self-compassion. Remember, you're really doing the best you can with the resources and knowledges you have, right? It's rather than being hard on yourself for your mistakes or shortcomings, really practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness and understanding, just like you're working towards doing with your child. Remember that growth mindset.

Connecting with other parents. That's so important to make sure you have people in your life that are going through some of the similar things that you are going through as a parent, right? So other children with learning differences, being around them is super important. So you can seek out advice, different resources. You can maybe go to online support groups and just connect with other parents through social media or even other channels can be important.

And then fostering self-care. Take care of yourself, right? Super essential of being a parent in general. We hear that when you have a small baby. Make sure you're getting rest. Make sure you're eating and taking care of yourself. It continues throughout a child's life as they're a parent. Even when they're grown, you still need to do this because you're still going to worry. You're still going to think about your kiddo. And so when you add the complexity of raising a child with differences or challenges, it can be even harder.

So take time for activities that really bring you joy. Do the relaxation, exercise, get a hobby, spend times with friends, do some retail therapy, whatever it takes. Prioritize your own needs. Ultimately, that will help you feel more centered and your child will feel that and they'll feel more supported as well because they're not responding to the stress and anxiety that you're having because you're not taking care of yourself. But if you are, they're going to feel that as well.

And it's going to really help you nurture them as you're nurturing yourself.

Yeah, that's really, really helpful. Really, really good advice. And it feels difficult, but obviously super important to take that time and energy to prioritize ourselves as parents sometimes. Absolutely. I guess before we shift gears a little bit, is there anything else you'd like to add about radical acceptance as applied to families of children with learning differences? You know, just to summarize, that really embracing and celebrating your child for who they really are as they are, again, not trying to fix them, will really create that foundation for them for you to really thrive academically, personally, and also for their unique talents to really shine, which is so important.

A lot of times, kiddos with dyslexia, they have to spend so much additional time doing homework. They're in school all day. Maybe the accommodations are not in place or maybe they're there and it's just not resonating with them. Then they come home and then they might have hours of trying to catch up and, you know, to stay on top of things. You've got to give them opportunities to shine and be who they are and really foster those gifts that they do have, right?

So if they're artistic or they enjoy music, allow them those opportunities to do that. And if you lean into radical acceptance, you're able to kind of say, take a breath when they come home with, you know, everything they should have done in class. And you get a note from the teacher that says, hey, they didn't do anything. And you're like, oh, my gosh, I've got to repeat a whole classroom day. As soon as they get home from school, you're able to take a moment and take a breath and pause.

And you can think about this more creatively, right? And to really focus on what's going to get to them. How are they going to learn this material and how are they going to master it, which is different than the classroom, right? So you're going to know their strengths. You're going to know what they're good at. Maybe they're a visual person, right? They kind of formulate pictures in their mind. Whatever that might be, you can leverage that at home and really help them feel comfortable.

Because when you're doing what you're good at, it's super easy to try to learn and have to do that repetition with it as well, right? Learn it in a way that works for them. Yes, that is so, that's such good advice. And I think about, you know, it's kind of that combination between the reality of the moment in front of you and also keeping that perspective.

We'll see you next time.